The Doubt Monster

I am battling an evil little monster. And no, I’m not talking about my 3 year old. This evil little monster lives inside of me. And even though he is but small, he is fierce.

I am going through the motions of preparation. I’ve started running again. Gradually increasing my distance with each run. I have started saving. I have every intention of registering for the run at the end of this month. But I actually think I am in denial about it. A calm feeling of low expectations, almost a sense of ambivalence. Part of me doesn’t expect to finish this race. And that part of me isn’t worried or upset, it’s almost like I have accepted this fact already. I don’t like it one bit. I want to finish this race. I don’t want to go in with any expectations of not finishing. I am not ok with not finishing.

And I don’t know how to get past this.